USUM Expanded - Poni Cooker Tale
by dionysianDaydream
Summary: A two-part take on what Guzma went on to do after his final battle with the protagonist.


At a small cove on the Poni Breaker Coast, where few would dare to venture on foot along the sharp, slippery rocks amidst constantly crashing sea waves and spouting geysers, one will find the best kept secret of Poni Island.

"Oh, yeah!" Guzma said, as he soaked in the natural hot springs that those _in the know_ referred to as Poni Cooker Sauna. "Now this is what I'm _talking about_!"

Hapu sat across, briefly pondering how she had found herself here with the hated boss who beats you down, and beats you down, and never lets up. In fact, Guzma had contacted her to request an audience regarding the island trial. Expecting little more than another of his rants she'd heard so much about, Hapu nonetheless felt obligated to hear him out as per her duty as the new Kahuna, with hopes that the sauna would suffice to allay his infamous temper.

Despite this being their first ever meeting, he was totally comfortable shirtless – showing off the dark tattoos wrapping around his torso – and she in a caramel onepiece. Openness and trust were innate virtues of the Alolan spirit, no matter the disparities between them.

"What is it you wanted to talk about?" Hapu said.

Guzma snickered once. Eyes closed, leaning his head back to face the sun at its zenith above the islands, he smiled.

"I've been thinkin'," he said. "Since I've been talking things over with gramps."

Hapu raised an eyebrow and leaned back against the edge of the sauna, resting her arms along the perimeter. "Gramps?"

"Old man Hala." Guzma said, lowering his intense stare again to meet her. "I think I'm ready."

Glancing out across the ocean waters, Hapu thought she could see a Wailmer bobbing along the gentle swells. The air smelled strongly of salt, mixed with a pleasant citrusy aroma wafting in from the forested inland. Guzma's own rather malevolent odor of cigarettes poorly masked by cheap cologne had been gracefully washed away from the time he dipped into the sauna.

"Ready for what?" Hapu finally ventured to ask, apprehensive of what his answer could possibly be.

Guzma's expression and entire posture subtlely shifted. He went from his usual brash over-confident smirk to a serious frown, as he contemplated the events of yesterday.

…

Back at Iki Town on Melemele Island, where the winds were calm and man lived in quiet harmony away from the bustling metropolitan centre Guzma had grown up in, he was to face his most difficult challenge yet.

It was almost midday according to the rumbling in his stomach, as he lay on top of a picnic bench trying but failing to block out dirty thoughts involving Lusamine. _Damn it, man, she's old enough to be your grandma!_ He pleaded with himself, and tried to refocus his attention on his surroundings. An old man was rocking on his perch. Children were playing in the street with their pet Rockruff, kicking a scraggly ball around and laughing.

 _It ain't so bad_ , Guzma thought, as he drank it all in.

Over the past few weeks, ever since the disbanding of Team Skull, he'd been doing just as the old man suggested and laid low, taking some time to really consider his next move. That is, if he could get his mind off _milfs_ for more than a second. It was hard – thinking about life and stuff, that is – but Hala's words from that day still stuck out in his mind:

 _Only when you respect your opponent's skill, will it bring out the best in you._

Considering all he'd done his whole life was diss people, it was mildly disconcerting. It made him think that, if doing the same thing over and over expecting different results is the mark of insanity, was _he_ crazy for losing to that _kid_ so many times without attempting any new strategies? In any case, if there was a potential way for him and his team to become stronger, he was determined to give it a try.

Hau's arrival was heralded by his humming _,_ forcing an audible groan from Guzma as soon as he recognized the earworm tune.

"Lunch has arrived!" he said, smiling chipperly as he handed a plastic takeout bag to Guzma.

If the scent didn't already spoil the surprise of what was inside, the smiling Slurpuff logo and the fact that it was Hao sure did.

"Oh, wow...you got me malasadas," Guzma grumbled. "Huge shocker, lemme tell you."

Hao shook his head, still all smiles. "I thought you liked malasadas..."

Guzma bristled, feeling the anger rise up within him, but relented when he saw Hala watching from the entrance to the Mahalo Trail. "Yeah," he said stiffly. " _Thanks_ , man."

After taking one he handed the bag back to Hao, then strode over to Hala.

"'Sup, gramps," Guzma greeted, with one hand waving and the other stuffed in his pants pocket.

Hala was fervently scanning the treetops like a birdwatching tourist when they approached. "Beautiful morning, yeah?" He returned warmly, without breaking away from his task. "Now, I swear I saw something moving in the trees just now..."

"Was it the guardian!?" Hau said, shielding his eyes from the glare of the sun to scan the treetops as well.

"Could be. I've just gotten back from the shrine, so maybe he just decided to tag along!"

Guzma snickered, always eager to take advantage of a prime opening for a diss. "Been praying to the Gods for some divine weight loss tips again, I take it?"

Hala and Hau exchanged glances. The former then abruptly laughed, his fat belly jiggling.

"Actually, I was praying that you'll put up a good fight this time!"

…

Guzma, still sitting across from Hapu in the Poni Cooker Sauna, cleared his throat.

"I battled the old man. Started kicking his ass, too...until this damn Ultra Beast showed up. Because I'm such a cool guy, I thought we should put our little battle aside to protect the town. The old man's Pokemon were too weakened from the fight to help, though, so it was all up to me!" He laughed, motioning in the air empathically. "Yeah...I sent that Ultra _Punk_ flying right back to hyperspace!"

Posing heroically, Guzma waited for a response from Hapu that just wasn't coming.

"I'm telling ya everybody cheered," he added, pumping his fists. "It was straight epic!"

Still, the Poni Island Kahuna was unmoved. She continued to stare blankly at him with her arms crossed, while there was no sound but the soft churning of the sauna between the two.

"Tell me what _really_ happened," she said, sternfaced.

A Pelipper alighted on a nearby rock, but she didn't pay it any mind. Guzma leered at the intrusive avian variety until it fluttered off, squawking derisively. Then turned back to Hapu with a sigh.

" _Fine_. I'll spill the Poké beans, alright? Sheesh..."

…

Guzma stood apart from Hala at the wooden stage erected in front of Mahalo Trail, while Hau watched from the sidelines with the other villagers that had gathered. Although typically reserved for use in festivals, it could be used by any two trainers hoping to honor the shrine guardian with a particularly fiery battle.

Retrieving a Pokéball from inside his robe, Hala smiled. "No holding back."

Guzma squatted with his arms hanging down in front of his knees – a stance he'd acquired back when he was little twerp sifting through the tall grasses in search of bugs, that he had proudly kept with him ever since.

"It's about _time_ you started taking me seriously, old man!"

Hau chuckled, his mouth stuffed full of malasada. "Alright! Just remember to have fun, G-man!"

Scowling at Hau's use of his totally lame choice of a nickname, Guzma sent out his first Pokemon – Golisopod – to the combined shock and awe of the gathered audience.

Golisopod growled, jabbing its claws at the thin air in eagerness.

At the same time, Hala sent out Hariyama. Zeroing in on Golisopod, it lifted one leg up then _slapped_ it back down with its massive hand, _sumo_ style. Some of the children in the audience mimicked the motion, prompting a surge of laughter in their midst.

"Looks like we're both starting off with our heavyweights," Hala observed with amusement.

"Only difference is I intend to win with mine!" Guzma taunted. "I'm talkin' the big _6-0_!"

As the quiet little town was being transformed by the audience's cheering for what was sure to be a great battle, something _else_ was developing in the woods surrounding Mahalo Trial...

Wild Spearow flocked to the skies.

Rattata and Meowth exchanged glances – unsure of what to make of the strange presence.

A wary Yungoos poked its head out of its burrow a second time to make certain it had seen right.

Unbeknownst to the human residents of Iki Town, however, an unwanted visitor was about to make its presence very much a certainty to all.


End file.
